Now that I am single and having only been in two serious relationships, both ending in serious heartbreak, I can't help wanting something more than just a smile or conversation at the bar. But as soon as any girl that shows me the slightest interest, I become obsessed with her and fall in love. Or what feels like love.
The problem is that I doubt they feel the same way about me, which leads to more broken hearts. I need to learn to distinguish between love and lust. My heart forces itself into love and my head is too confused to smack some sense into it.
So, why do I keep doing this to myself? Aside from enjoying asking rhetorical questions, do I like being self-destructive and unhappy?
I find myself spending hours searching for possible relationships on craigslist and facebook, just to become depressed and unwilling to send them a message. I feel creepy and dirty finding someone online. More importantly, do I even want to find somebody.
The majority of my adult life has been spent in very serious relationships. Aside from needing the physical connection with somebody, do I need to be in a relationship or more importantly, am I ready to handle a relationship at this point? It seems to be a habit of mine to have a great relationship and destroy it by becoming complacent and not putting in work until it is too late.
My life has been spent making others happy and sacrificing my own goals, wants and dreams. Making other people happy has always made me happy. I am not sure how to make myself happy.
Should it now be my time to focus on my career and life goals alone? Will I become complacent with my own desires, or become more sucessful and focused?
Either way, my heart needs to get it's shit together and not fall for every girl that smiles at me.
[/robot vs. zombie]
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