Three Steps to a Successful Yard Sale

Step one: Flirt!
I have flirted with every girl that has come to my yard sale, and only one of them didn't buy something (out of about 8)

Step two: Drink a little (or a lot)
I have been drinking rum and cokes all day, and think it is helping my salesmanship.

Step three: Make up (or have a real) sad story
I keep telling people that I am moving next Friday, don't have somewhere to move yet, and can't keep all this stuff (which is all true).

Follow these three easy steps and I can *guarantee a successful garage sale
(results not guaranteed)


For a research project, I want to figure out what makes people slow down for garage sales and try to implement that into a guerrilla marketing campaign.

Slap in the Face and a Big F-You from Facebook

Nothing like being incredibly lonely and then have Facebook recommend your ex-wife in "people you may know". Of course I know her, did you ever think there is a reason I am not friends with her? If that isn't the biggest f-you from facebook/the universe I am not sure what is. I was just starting to feel a little better about life.

Once more the internet has disappointed me.

[/robot vs. zombie]

Notes on Obsessions and Self-Destructive Behavior

Now that I am single and having only been in two serious relationships, both ending in serious heartbreak, I can't help wanting something more than just a smile or conversation at the bar. But as soon as any girl that shows me the slightest interest, I become obsessed with her and fall in love. Or what feels like love.

The problem is that I doubt they feel the same way about me, which leads to more broken hearts. I need to learn to distinguish between love and lust. My heart forces itself into love and my head is too confused to smack some sense into it.

So, why do I keep doing this to myself? Aside from enjoying asking rhetorical questions, do I like being self-destructive and unhappy?

I find myself spending hours searching for possible relationships on craigslist and facebook, just to become depressed and unwilling to send them a message. I feel creepy and dirty finding someone online. More importantly, do I even want to find somebody.

The majority of my adult life has been spent in very serious relationships. Aside from needing the physical connection with somebody, do I need to be in a relationship or more importantly, am I ready to handle a relationship at this point? It seems to be a habit of mine to have a great relationship and destroy it by becoming complacent and not putting in work until it is too late.

My life has been spent making others happy and sacrificing my own goals, wants and dreams. Making other people happy has always made me happy. I am not sure how to make myself happy.

Should it now be my time to focus on my career and life goals alone? Will I become complacent with my own desires, or become more sucessful and focused?

Either way, my heart needs to get it's shit together and not fall for every girl that smiles at me.

[/robot vs. zombie]

Hollywood Misconceptions About Sitting Alone

Despite all my best efforts, I still find myself being bored and lonely. What options does that leave me, sit and drink alone at the bar or sit alone in the park? Either way I end up not talking to anybody. So how to I fight boredom and still look approachable sitting by myself?

Perhaps Hollywood has left us all disillusioned into thinking a beautiful stranger will come up and ask you what book you are reading or some other random question that leads to a romantic encounter. That grand cliche of sitting alone in the park on a sunny day and a beautiful woman that would normally never talk to you seems to be very interested.

This isn't at all about me wanting to meet that special person or having a romantic fling. In all actuality if that ever happened in real life, you would not have the cut scene that goes from giggling in the park to tearing each others clothes off in the elevator. Maybe that does happen in real life, just not to me or anybody else I know. Maybe I am not living in the right town, drive the right car, or wear the right clothes.

I am not bashing creative freedoms given to everyday situations. If TV and movies were more like real life, they would not be very interesting. My major problem is that even the biggest losers in the story have a onetime romantic endeavor, but does not happen to me even when I try. This is not me trying to say that I want to go to the bar and just hook up with a random girl, I would much rather form a solid relationship.

This leads me back to my original point of how to be alone and still approachable. There are no intentions for me to become the guy sitting at the bar drinking a whiskey on the rocks and sending drinks over to a table of young ladies. That feels too much like bribery, and I would like to find somebody that looks for something more in a person. Is it more about the location than any other variable?

I am a good guy, scratch that, I am a great guy. But it is always the most egotistical, womanizing jackass that gets the girl. No matter how lonely or bored I am, I will not sink to that level. For a woman to pass me by because I am nice or not wearing the right clothes (or any other superficial characteristic) is her loss.

Thank you Hollywood for once more making me feel like there is something tragically wrong with me. The struggle between reality and fantasy will continue as long as Hollywood maintains its stronghold over my entertainment.

[/robot versus zombie]

Funny Delicious

My roommate has about 5 pounds of venison bacon that has been in my freezer for about 6 months. He is a little chubby, likes to eat shitty junk food and it shocks me that he doesn't snack on it. It is crazy delicious, I like to throw it on the grill. In fact, last week I cooked a bunch of it and had leftovers, so I snuck it into the theater for Hellboy 2. It was funny delicious, i'm sure that people around me could smell bacon and wanted to eat some. Other things I have snuck into the theater; pizza, chicken wings, gin, whiskey, rum, hummus and pitas.

Also, I would like to point out that I am not a huge fatty!

[/robot versus zombie]